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Why men and women react differently when arguing

By: Marieke Van Niemeghen

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People who are the first time in a relationship with a person from the other gender may be surprised when having a verbal conflict for the first time with each other. They will soon have realised that the other person did not quite responded the way they expected, and their attempts to extinguish the fight only made things worse.

This is very confusing for both partners, and may lead to the false assumption that the other is not willing to make peace. Without advanced knowledge on how the other gender thinks emotionally, the conflict may only blow away after one partner unfolds the white flag. However it is very likely that feelings of miscomprehension, frustration and confusion only slowly fade away.

Arguments are normal in any relationship, but this escalation of conflict is very unnecessary. Usually when people get to know the other's way of thinking, a lot of fights can be avoided. Essential to know is that man and women respond differently to conflict and stressful situations.

This was tested extensively by relationship psychology teams who researched the physiological reaction to relationship conflict with both men and women. The response was more obvious with men, who showed more stress and higher anxiety levels. Women did not show significant changes in anxiety levels, or only moderate changes.

Of course both women and men want to have conflicts resolved, but women seem to take a more active role in the discussion. Men usually take a more defensive stand, and sometimes tend to attack suddenly when they feel cornered. Women look at the conflict from an emotional point of view, and they try to guide the discussion to a solution, which for them means the argument should end in having a positive feeling. Men look more from the logical point of view, and are looking for conclusions and contradictions in the arguments that are being built.

Because both men and women naturally expect the other to have the same manner of thinking, the clash of these two ways of dealing with conflict sometimes create more conflict. Typically a man can provide a logical argument that 'proves' the incorrect view of his wife, expecting his wife to be happy with this insight. The wife of course gets more upset by this, as she doesn't feel respected, which leads to the wife feeling bad.

This causes the wife to take guidance of the discussion, querying her man why he wants her to feel bad, and get to an emotional solution. Her man, who thought the discussion would be over, is confused on why his wife is getting more upset and is continuing on another level of discussion. This causes the rise of anxiety levels of the man, who wonders if his logical argument is biased.

All he wants now is the discussion to be over, and tries to force this, or by explaining his former argument, or by questioning the 'illogical' argument of his wife. The wife now certainly doesn't feel respected, and she feels her husband doesn't want to end the conflict at all, which makes her feel even worse ...

What is described here is a typical escalation of the man-woman conflict, which is quite tragic as it is unnecessary. What men need to understand is that women look emotionally to arguments, and they will tend to talk their way out of it. A man should therefore always try to remain calm at all times, listen to his wife and pay attention to her emotional state.

Women on the other side, will need to remember that men are analyzing arguments while in a verbal fight, and they get confused when things get emotional. Men do not need to talk themselves out of it, but instead will try to find solace in themselves. Women should therefore give men some space emotionally, and should avoid taking to much control of the discussion.

Of course there is something similar to both man and women in conflicts: they don't want it, and they want to get out of it as soon as possible. Although strategies to cope with conflict are different betweens sexes, what both need, to use a battle metaphor, are 'honourful' retreats. There needs to be a compromise, and it is very likely that both will need to bend a little to the other to compensate the blames that where undoubtedly exchanged.

If people know a bit more on the strategy to cope with conflicts of the other gender, it should be easier to finish the fight much sooner, without people being hurt.

Article Source: http://depositarticles.com/

Marieke has a real passion for writing and been writing articles online for a couple of years now. Not only does she specialize in dating, you can also check out her latest website on the following topic: "ergonomische bureaustoel". Go and visit her latest website over at www.ergonomischebureaustoel.info.

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