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Tonight

By: AJ Garphy

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Tonight "America's Got Talent" crowned Kevin Skinner being the winner of season four.

Past a video synopsis of last night, Nick asks the judges in lieu of predictions about the winners. Piers says he has no notion this year. Sharon says tonight is bittersweet but she can't wait to see who America has chosen. The Hoff makes added "Hoff" puns while being dressed like an extra from "Dick Tracy."

Disco & "Boobs"
We currently have the Top 10 finalists performing Thelma Houston's "Don't Leave Me This Way." I'm trepidatious, but at that time I remember that like 70% of the finalists are singing acts. Merely when I think this will be BETTER than when "American Idol" threw Freda Payne, Thelma Houston and KC at us, Thelma Houston's boobs jiggle their way on stage in a green version of the same dress she wore on Idol. This is two lofty reality shows for Ms. Houston in six months, who is she sleeping with?

Oh my god, Kevin Skinner has to sing with her and it's frightening. Kevin is ABSOLUTLY not disco. Drew Stevyns takes over and it's marginally better. Lawrence Beaman goes next and that's pretty good. The Fab Five, Hairo Torres and Recycled Percussion get featured jointly and that's pretty adorable, but I cannot be over focusing on the undulating bosom of Thelma Houston. Nightmare fuel.

Leona Lewis Performs
I love Leona Lewis, she's so skilled and super-pretty and I love that she hasn't gotten her nose done. Own your looks, ladies. Leona performs her single "Happy." It's no "Bleeding Love," but it's a lovely song in its own right.

There's a logo in the undersite left-hand corner reminding me so as to Jay Leno is on next. Does anybody else wonder why he stop late-night to do basically the same thing 90 minutes earlier? It's not like those shows are live, either, so he's doing the same business. I don't get it.

Audition Montage
Crazy monkey-call woman, a bad magician, Tom Everett Scott dancing, a face-driller, the weird contortionist sisters, Bret Michaels, bad singers, the sex-swing pair, a tiny Jewish Elvis, Avenue Q meets a bad country bar, the creepy dancing barber Tony, Edith Ann, a screaming girl who promptly went home and cut herself, and the big lady who danced with Nick Cannon (which, admittedly, was AWESOME).

And currently some of the bad auditions are HERE. We have Bret Michaels and Dancing Tony and... various guys in gold lame and tiny Jewish Elvis and screaming cutter girl and creepy puppet guy and the weird suitcase sisters and Edith Ann and big dancing girl, who is dressed like she ate the cast of of the 80s version of "Fame." Hey, there's the sex-swing couple! At the end, the magician does a trick where his assistant turns into Grandma Lee and Piers dressed in their wedding finery. All right, that was mildly funny. Piers is a "virtous" sport.

Nick Cannon sends us to advertisements while faux-spanking Big Girl Dancer. He's a good sport too, I really like Nick Cannon as the host.

Cirque du Soleil
Banana Shpeel is their show and it's their take on Vaudeville. It's quite stylized and very neat to watch. I like the costumes and music. Very entertaining.

Orville Lounge Time
Grandma Lee says she's naming her baby Nick. Drew gets sexually harassed by Sharon via Nick. The Fab Five teach Nick how to clog. Yes, yes, get on with it.

Montage of the Season
How is this diverse from the montage of the Top 10 we saw at the beginning and the Montage of the Auditions we just saw? Sigh.

We at last get some results. Nick brings down 5 pairs of acts and eliminates one and keeps the other. The first pair is Barbara Padilla and Hairo Torres and Barbara is in the Top 5. Next up is Lawrence Beaman and the Voices of Glory. Lawrence advances, so no surprises yet. Holy crap. Voices of Glory well ahead. I typed that last sentence just assuming it would be Lawrence. WOW.

The third pairing is -- oh dammit. The Fab Five and the Texas Tenors. Dammit all. I merely know it's the Texas Tenors. Blech. And then Ken Doll and his Cronies advance. Sigh. Then up is Kevin Skinner and Drew Stevyns. Well, this is obvious. If the observations on my article from the other night are any indication, Kevin Skinner is JESUS and I am a puppy-killing devil. [eye roll] So Kevin advances, shocker. The last pair is Recycled Percussion and Grandma Lee. Thank God Recycled Percussion goes through.

This program is a joke. "Talent?" Kevin Skinner is awful and he'll probably win and that is terrible. I'm not saying something bad about him as PERSON. I'm confident he's a very good man. But this show is not called "America's Best Sob Story" and the fervor with which the judges were fellating Skinner last night is awful. Plus: the American public is full of idiots.

Silly Judges Montage
This is all very kind and I DO like the judges on this show, but my god. This finale could HONESTLY be an hour. Ugh.

Shakira Performs
I don't worship Shakira, not going to fib. And her song is called "She-Wolf?" Pardon? Oh God. I could not care less about this over-produced electronic song with bad dancing.

Results
We currently narrow the Top 5 to the Top 2. Sigh. If it's the Texas Tenors and Kevin Skinner, I will poke sharp sticks in my ears. It SHOULD be Recycled Percussion and Barbara Padilla, but I don't think it will be. The fifth-place act is Voices of Glory. Fourth place goes to the Texas Tenors. Well, thank God. Now if Kevin Skinner can just take 3rd. Third place is... Recycled Percussion. Sigh. Of course it is.

Piers says you could not have two more atypical acts for the winner. Well yeah. You have one with a lot of talent and one with not very much talent who gets votes for... I don't even know why. I love country music and Kevin Skinner seems like a nice guy, but he has not had a skilled performance since his initial audition. His tone is fine but he can't carry a tune. He truly can't, guys. If you think he can, you are DEAF. I can't believe he's in the Final Two.

Rascal Flatts
We now have the Boy Band of Country Music. I like Rascal Flatts, they have good harmonies. If you think the Texas Tenors are any good, you should try a real trio of singers like Rascal Flatts.

Top Two Montage
Yet AN EXTRA montage of this season. OH MY LORD, GET ON WITH IT! Lord in heaven.

Susan Boyle Performs
This is the simply part of tonight I've been looking forward to. At least Britain can deposit two worthy talents in the Final Two. Tonight she sings "Wild Horses" and it's VERY virtous. I love this song, too. It makes me think of Buffy.

Results Time
Nick Cannon announces so as to the winner of "America's Got Talent" is...Kevin Skinner. God. Choke me.

Well, gang. It's been fun. If this is the preeminent "talent" America has... we are in dilemma.

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