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The best way to get your young children to listen and act -- with out saying a word

By: Andrew Roark

Read More About Children

"Stop kicking that seat, Ashton," said the new mother to her 4-year-old son. They were buckled into their seats getting ready to take off on a three-hour trip from Dallas to San Francisco, but the mother already seemed frazzled.
"Stop it," the woman repeated. The child continued kicking.
"I said don't."
He stopped for a second. He then started again.
"I said don't do that. Stop it."
For the next three hours, the mom was powerless to change her son's behavior, says Dr. Koenig, noted family therapist and discipline expert. It was his seat being kicked.
"And he kicked it the whole flight."
Many parents issue requests, statements, demands, pleas and threats to their children, only to be consistently disregarded.
Why? Koenig is convinced it's because they don't have a structured system of regulations and discipline. Many parents are simply just doing what their parents did.
"There's a lot of talking without young ones listening or doing what they're told," says Koenig. "That leads to yelling and criticizing. But no one, little ones included, does well when they're criticized constantly."
Why do parents fail at getting young adults to behave? The reasons are many, says Larry. A lot of parents simply don't take charge or approach behavior problems systematically. They cave in on regulations. They don't pay attention regularly and follow through on consequences.
Almost all of those mothers and fathers would really like to understand what Dr. Koenig knows with regards to getting little ones to behave. The creator of Parenting on Demand: Fast, Lasting Solutions for Your Peace of Mind and Your Child's Self-Esteem, he'll share that magic formula with Milwaukee parents and educators October 23 in a metroparent-sponsored
Parenting on Demand seminar at Marquette University. It's one of more than 100 Usa cities he'll visit this school year alone.
What is Koenig's secret to getting young adults to behave?
It's a program -- and it's easy.
It all started 20 years ago when Dr. Koenig, a father of five, chose to find a way to help his young ones behave, while at the same time increasing their belief in their own abilities.
The program he and his wife Nydia spent several years devising did wonders almost immediately for four of his little ones. In what Koenig says is a typical scenario, it took the fifth child a bit longer to jump in.
"She told us she didn't care about the consequences," says Larry. "But after about two weeks, she realized she didn't want to keep losing the things she cherished."
Today, a huge number of parents and professors across the country attest to the results of Smart Discipline, even with youngsters . whose mothers and fathers believed absolutely nothing would work. Implement this program -- it only takes a couple of hours -- and you'll see why, says Dr. Larry Koenig.
Within a few days, your teenagers will do what you ask when you ask them, stop fighting, do their homework promptly and go to bed when they're supposed to -- and you'll never need to repeat yourself.
Putting Parenting on Demand to the test is Music to any parent's ears, I thought as I examine Koenig's course in preparation for writing an article on his discipline program. But would the Smart Discipline system be the answer to my prayers?
My husband and I have three children, ages 12, 10 and 5. They're good young adults, without any serious behavior problems.
But they don't always do what we ask right away. They have attitudes.They fight. They find endless reasons not to go to bed.
Our discipline methods worked -- but not consistently. Our children's listened -- sometimes. Taking away privileges had the sought after effect -- for a while.
More than anything, I needed to avoid repeating myself and raising my voice to have their attention.
We could certainly use a simple system in which the requirements really do rule -- but we didn't want a household where regulations are all that matter.
We liked the fact that the Parenting on Demand system makes it possible to focus as much on what they're doing right as it does changing unwanted behavior.
With Smart Discipline, parents work to instill positive beliefs in their children about their ability to do the right thing. That's good for their self-confidence, and teenagers with high self-esteem consistently are happier, better behaved and more well mannered than other children.
"When you can inspire both cooperation and love at the same time, you have made it as a parent," says Dr. Larry Koenig.
We decided to try Smart Discipline. Would it work? Only time would tell.
First, says Larry, parents need to identify the misbehaviors they most want to stop.
What bugs you? Whining? Talking back? Ignoring homework? Ignoring you?
Once you've recognized the behaviors you most want to control, says Dr. Larry Koenig, set regulations for each child. Some rules may apply to all your children, like our general rules: "Be respectful in words and actions," and "Do what you're asked right away." Others may apply to one specific child. "No whining" is a rule our 5-year-old needs, while "Homework must be done by 8 p.m." applies to our 12- and 10-year-olds.
"Putting requirements in writing puts Mom and Dad and the infants -- everyone -- on the same page," says Dr. Larry Koenig. "There's no room for questions."
In case you already have rules, look them over and refine them. Make sure they're few, simple and age-appropriate. Put them in writing (we typed ours for an "official" look), and post them centrally. The fridge is a good place.
Most important, commit to the fact that your family's regulations are non-negotiable.
The Smart Discipline system then takes parents to the consequences portion of the plan. Parents determine five privileges they feel each child values most -- playing with friends, having treats, listening to music -- and would least like to lose. Those go on the chart, too.
Rule breaking is noted as it happens, with no ifs, ands or buts. Privileges are at stake. With charts in hand, we gathered the troops to explain the Smart Discipline system. We were pleasantly surprised when they accepted it readily, with just a few questions. The meeting took five minutes.
It takes reading Smart Discipline, attending the seminar, or watching the free online presentation to truly understand all the details of Koenig's program -- and it's those details that give the program its muscle. What makes a good discipline program successful is paying attention, being consistent and following through.
In short, it's a bit of a tough love approach that makes Parenting on Demand so smart.
"Don't give warnings and second chances," Dr. Larry Koenig advises. "Many parents believe they're being kind and loving by letting children's escape consequences.
It's considerably more difficult later if the child gets out of control because he thinks he can wriggle out of consequences."
But -- and this is important -- don't stop at requirements and consequences.
Praise your children for doing well, noting specific good behaviors -- "I noticed how quickly you got to your homework today. That shows me you're very responsible." Or "That was great how you got in bed on time last night. Good job being organized."
Positive reinforcement is essential. And providing that praise is easy to do when youngsters do well.
Has it worked for us?
It's been blessedly quieter in our house lately.
With Smart Discipline, I don't repeat myself. In case a rule is broken, I simply walk to the chart on the refrigerator, put an X in the appropriate box and let the offending child know which rule he broke. He may not like it, but he gets an X anyway and accepts it.
That's an advantage of a discipline plan: It's systematic, a word defined by Webster's as "methodical, marked by thoroughness and regularity."
There's much less negative emotion involved and a lot more positive, as when I find myself saying things like, "Please come over here now and put these toys away," followed by "Thank you for doing what you were told right away." Pleasant exchanges like that feel good for all of us.
So do the results. Our children are listening when we talk, and doing what they're asked within seconds. They know privileges really do hang in the balance.
Best of all, they're thinking before they act or speak and controlling themselves. While they've each gotten a few Xs for breaking requirements, they're in the "free" boxes -- those that tell them they're getting close to losing privileges. None of the three has even come close to getting Xs in the boxes that hold their cherished privileges.
I've always believed that a few good rules make infants happier. I'm now seeing, in a whole new light, why this is true. Rules followed can help a family "clean house" of a lot of negative stuff that gets in the way of bringing out the best in children's.
"It's true about anyone, adults or children and teenagers," Dr. Koenig says. "If you feel good about life, you just act better."
Go ahead -- reward them
But don't throw out the charts once your children have achieved self-discipline.
"This works so well, sometimes parents stop doing it because they no longer have a need," says Koenig. "That's perfectly fine, but if you have trouble again, get the charts back out."
And, go ahead -- reward your young adults for good behavior.
"Don't set them up as bribes, where children get rewards for being good,"
says Larry. "That works for a while, but it will backfire. Instead, be spontaneous and tell your children that you are going to treat them to something special because they've been so good lately.
"This is a loving and wonderful thing to do as a parent." We'll reward our children with time spent together -- and be happy to do it. For us as parents, we've already received our reward: our regulations are followed, our lives are more peaceful, our children are achieving their goals, and everyone is happier.
By: Rebecca Steimle
Rebecca Steimle is the senior editor for Metroparent magazine, a regional
parenting publication in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Article Source: http://depositarticles.com/

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