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Are You Addicted To Sex?

By: Michael Smith

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Are you taking part in sexual behavior that has become unmanageable? Or are you being told that you do? As a Certified Sex Therapist in Orange County, California, I am contacted by a lot of people who feel if they, or their partners, have crossed the boundary and have become "addicted."

A lot of people say they like sex and it regularly occupies their thoughts. They often wish for more, and are depressed or fretful when they have to do without for extended periods of time. If the topic was drugs, alcohol or gambling we would be worried about their manic fascination, but sex is a natural, healthy biological process - so we accept their sexuality.

But what about when a line is crossed, when your interest in sex starts to get in the way of normal routine activities? What happens when you see that you've used up the last four hours looking at pornography online, or chatting on video with others in an effort to have a sexual experience? How about when you realize you are short of money to pay for rent or you've spent all your credit facility out your credit cards due to the prostitutes or motel rooms you've paid for? Or when failed to get to another class or business meeting due to more trading of email and pictures with a stranger? How about when you've lost a job due to violating Internet policies or from coming in late due to staying out all night seeking sexual experiences? Or when the most important person in your life leaves you because you are unable to keep promises to change your attitude?

Whether or not this attitude meets the criteria for an "addiction" an "obsession," or even dangerous or unlawful - it certainly is behavior that is damaging your life and you should seek help figuring out how you ended up here, and more significantly, what measures you need to take to put an end, or control these habits. You've probably tried numerous times to make changes, but continue to fail and fall back into the same old patterns.

Not sure your sexual activity is affecting your life in a negative way? Here are some areas to consider. Be very truthful with yourself here...it's your life and relationships at stake here:

Work: lost jobs, embarrassment by colleagues; opportunities; fewer certificates, general distraction and lost productivity. Is your obsession having any effect on your being where you want to be - from a career point of view?

Money: high cell phone charges; not able to purchase things you want/need because money is is being spent on sexual activities; little or no savings or retirement funds; people calling for payments. Spending on websites, prostitutes/escorts, massage parlors, gifts/trips/hotels for people other than your spouse?

Relationships: spouse has gone off and left you alone, less or no contact with your kids; have little time to keep up with relationships that used to be central in your life; strained communications; saddened parents; you've started isolating yourself.

Health: less sleep than necessary to function at your highest level; sexually transmitted diseases; poor eating habits; little or no exercise; constant dread of being discovered causing unease and depression, overweight and worried, constant sweating.

Time: excessive hours on-line; driving and searching for activity; waiting, waiting, waiting for that connection or that view through a window; less time to spend with your family; eventually, lost years of your life.

Other: lost standing; anger at yourself and others; feeling vulnerable and hopeless; in general loss of self-worth that affects all areas of your life.

Overall, do you feel great embarrassment and remorse when you've once again crossed the line, after pledging to yourself that you would lessen or stop your harmful sexual activities? Too many hours, too much money, cheating with your significant other, unsatisfying results...

Altering this attitude needs you to accept that there is a problem, the realization that your many attempts to put it right by yourself have failed, and a willingness to ask for assistance, and to take some help from someone with the skills and knowledge in this complex and many layered situation. In my practice, I have found it most effective to start at the cognitive-behavioral level and begin by taking a full evaluation and understanding what the main points of concern. Just as someone with an eating disorder can't refrain from eating food, I don't expect anyone to keep away from all sexual activity, although this may be needed on some level in the initial phase of restructuring your thought processes, behaviors, and learning new ways to express yourself sexually - or when the activity is doing immediate harm to your associations, or physical or financial self.

It is important, when appropriate, to include the partner's involvement during this stage, but we generally move towards focusing on the impaired member, and often bring the partner back into therapy later in the procedure. Of course, work individually with the non-offending partner can also be crucial to help them appreciate, sort out and reconcile their anger, heartache, anxiety and/or sadness. After the individual or couple has gone through the preliminary crisis, I start to investigate the fundamental reasons of this self-destructive behavior - study has demonstrated that this behavior is rooted in the belief system due to much deeper dynamics, whether it be a way to deal with acute stress, childhood trauma, or unreasonable expectations that we, or others, place on ourselves.

As with other habits, sexual addiction is not limited by socio-economic-racial-cultural boundaries. I see rich and poor of all age groups, gay and straight, married and single clients with these issues. Don't be worried if you feel your particular sexual interest is distinctive from others, or that your therapist will not comprehend. I, and other professionals who are licensed psychotherapists with the additional designation of being Board Certified Sex Therapists, have extensive and specialized training in all varieties of sexual issues and dysfunctions. As a matter of fact, most people benefit from the knowledge that they are not exceptional- that there are thousands of people involved in the same activities as themselves. Your privacy is lawfully assured with any licensed psychotherapist under the guidelines of the California Board of Behavioral Sciences. It is an absolutely great experience to discuss your concerns sincerely and openly in a non-judgmental and understanding therapeutic environment. It is very possible that you can amend yourself, you just have to make a decision that you're tired of living in an unhealthy, unsatisfying way and make a decision to change yourself. Make no mistake - asking for help and being open to doing the required work will help you get back to the life you wish for, the life that you ought to enjoy.

Article Source: http://depositarticles.com/

Michael Smith, M.A., MFT, CST is an Addiction Specialist, Certified Sex Therapist and Marriage & Family Counselor.

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